It's been one month since my dad's funeral...This past month i've wondered if it would ever feel normal, or sink in. You definitely go through a roller coaster of emotions, ones you've never experienced or that can be explained or understood. The hardest part for me is not worrying about myself, and trying to deal with my own emotions, but trying to help my young brothers through this. You don't know how death is going to affect you. Honestly i've never been through it in my life. Fortunately for me I feel i'm old enough to be able to handle it and accept it. My poor brothers are so young and don't fully understand how to deal with their emotions. I really feel the Lord has comforted them during this time and is helping them progress in a positive way. I'm glad they were able to spend long summers with my dad and build a special connection with him that only they can understand. I feel the three of them were like best friends. My dads relationship with all of us was very different, but in all ways very special.
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| November 2011 at my Gradutation |
My dad was such a wonderful man. Honestly, I've never known anyone who wore a smile, or was full of laughter as much as him. He loved to laugh, tell jokes, tease, and make you smile. I remember coming home from school, practice, or my friends house everyday and he would call out to me to come and tell him about my experiences. He always listened to me, looked me in the eyes and made me feel important. I never heard my dad speak badly about anyone. It was not in his nature. He and my mom were divorced when I was 18 and I never heard him speak a bad word about her to this day. My dad taught me such good lessons in working hard and having integrity. He taught me how to be polite around others and help when needed. I was always the child that challenged my dad, and tried to get my way even though he said no. Many times I would be stuck at home while the others went out with their friends, but I was left alone with my dad to bond and share special memories! I'm now grateful for that sass that drew me closer to my dad ;)
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| Me and Janelle with Dad and our cousins Jamie and Tracie |
My dad was a little social butterfly. Anytime we went out to eat, or went shopping or to the grocery store he would find someone to smile at and say hello. He always asked our waitresses their names and called them by it the entire time we ate. When I was in 7, I was getting ready for school. I needed to return my book that day, or else I feared I would be in HUGE trouble with my teacher. I came crying to my dad because I couldn't find it. He told me I didn't need to go to school that day and he would take me to the mall instead. We went to the arcade, ate pizza and he let me pick out an outfit from the store. When I graduated last November he came and spent the week with me, and took me to Christensens to pick out an outfit. He told all the ladies who were helping us that it was my birthday and it was our tradition to take me out every year for my birthday (my birthday is in March and it had only happened once before) and that it's our tradition to go out and buy me whatever I wanted. I laughed the whole time because every lady tilted their head and smiled and said he was the cutest dad ever!
Unfortunately a year and a half ago my dad was diagnosed with liver disease. Up until August he had the disease well under control. The doctors warned him of confusion, and warned us that he was not able to have a transplant until his scores were extremely high and he was extremely sick. I didn't tell many people about my dads condition because I had such faith that he would get the liver tranplant and everything would go back to normal. I'm also a very private person so I think I held it all in. A year after his diagnosis he started to become very confused. This was SO hard for me, because he was not acting like my dad. Every few weeks he would fall into a coma and would suffer from hepatic encephalopathy. These comas were doing damage to his brain. His score would go up, but as soon as he would recover, which was usually only a day or two, his score would drop right back down. This was so frustraing for us. He was in and out of the ICU probably 10 times in those last 6 months, but some how his score just wasn't high enough. The doctors said he was an anomaly. They had never seen anyone fall into so many comas and recover in just a day or two. They knew it was doing damage and that his brain was suffering from this. All I could hope and pray for is that his liver would come soon, his brain wouldn't suffer much damage, and that we would have our dad back. I honestly never had a doubt that he would get a liver. I prayed every night for it, and had faith in God that it would happen. On January 6th Jesse and I brought my brothers up to see my dad. Unfortuantely he was in the ICU, but we thought it would be good to see him because it had been a month or two. Jesse and I had seen him many times in this circumstance so were not suprised by how sick and overwhelming he appeared. My brothers had only seen him when he was doing relatively well, so this was really hard for them to see. They knew he was sick, and had confusion, but had never seen him look like this. My dad was pretty out of it the whole time we were there. The worst I had ever seen. We would go to the hospital and sit with him every day and he would say our names and tell us how much he loved us. Trevor and I were standing by my dads bed just holding his hands one afternoon. He was closing his eyes. He opened his eyes and looked right at Trevor. Trevor gave him a big smile, and my dad began to laugh so hard! (this was amazing to us because he had barely been talking before that) He laughed and laughed, and Trevor asked why he was laughing, he said "Trevor you are just so funny, you make me laugh so hard!" This made the four of us burst into laughter. My dad looked over at Brandon who was laughing and said "Brandon, you make me laugh so hard too!!" He then looked over at Jesse who was laughing and said "Jesse you make me laugh so hard too!!" After all this laughter he sighed and said all this laughter made him tired and he was going to go to sleep. This memory is so special to me. I believe God was in that room and wanted my brothers to have one last wonderful memory with my dad. We left later that day back to Cedar. It was a Tuesday. On Tuesday night my aunt called me and said my dad had a stroke. I was shocked! A stroke was not something I expected, and was something unusual for liver patients. She wasn't sure of the severity but said she would keep us updated. My sister called me around midnight and told me it was a hemorrhagic stroke, they were unable to stop the bleeding, and that he was taken off of the liver tranplant list. This was by far the worst night of my life. The thought of my dad dying from liver disease had never once crossed my mind. I thought he would get a tranplant and everything would be okay..go back to normal. My hopes came crashing down that night. We left the next morning around 6 back up to SLC. They didn't know how long he would last. I think I was still in denial, thinking there had to be away that everything would be okay.We got to the hospital room (just us three older kids and our spouses) and stood by my dads side with my Grandma, some of my dads brothers and sisters, and a few of our cousins. He was on a respirator, which was keeping him alive. The doctor came in and told us when we were ready to let him know, and he would take him off. He said every patient varies, but it's usually only a few hours until they're gone. After a few hours of crying, laughing, telling stories about dad, laughing, crying again...we told the doctor we were ready. We knew he was suffering. They took the respirator off and in less than an hour he was gone. We prayed every night for him to get a liver tranplant, we thought that was our miracle. Because of the constant comas, and the encephalopathy, I believe that God knew my dad wouldn't be the same. That if he had a liver tranplant, he would live his whole life differently than the dad i've described. God was protecting us, and ended his suffering quicker than we expected, but didn't let us go on with the hope that a liver would come and that my dad would be the same. We can live with the peace of knowing we'll be reunited with my dad some day. That he is living in a place much better than here, and is looking over us smiling!
